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Stepparents and Grandparents: Part Two

© Judi Chapman

Part One appeared on February 12, 1999 and is still posted.

It isn't unusual for grandparents to feel that they are losing touch with the grandchildren when a stepfamily is formed. The children have gone from having a possible total of four biological grandparents to adding as many as four step-grandparents -- a lot of people to fit into the new family -- and there is the potential for making major holidays a nightmare for all concerned.

With spare time at a premium in a family, stepparents need to do some careful planning to make sure that everyone has some quality time with the older relatives. It is inevitable that someone is going to complain about the arrangements, but all the parents can do is to make sure that everyone has access to the children in as fair a way as possible.

As an example of what can happen, here is an excerpt from the book Why Can't I Sleep at Nana's Anymore?", by Liela Friedman, that was posted on a comment board:

"...a stranger called for Robert's belongings, and he has never been seen again by the grandparents who loved him, bathed and fed him, and did all the things parents do for their babies. The grandfather died of a heart attack the following year, but the grandmother still looks at every boy with blonde hair and grey-blue eyes, wondering if one day she will see Robert. Not only see him, but know whether he is happy, if he ever thinks of his grandparents, and the greatest fear of all, whether he grows up thinking his grandparents did not want him anymore."

With their variety of life experiences and collections of family stories, stepgrandparents add a new dimension to the children's lives, and often find that they have an attentive audience when they share some of their memories. Many parents and stepparents have good-naturedly complained that the grandparents get the fun with the children, whereas the parents are the ones who have to carry out the discipline and teaching!

In the excellent article The Art Of Stepgrandparenting, the researchers found that a large percentage of children get along extremely well with their stepgrandparents. They add that this may be partly attributable to the fact that stepgrandparents typically don't exercise a high degree of authority over the children. The studies also showed that children who are younger at the time of the remarriage tend to be closer to their stepgrandparents, and the contact often goes on well beyond the time the children become adults.