For a stepparent, a conversation like that can cut like a knife. The parent has tried to "bring it all together," to build a strong feeling of family involving parents and children, but once again something has gone wrong. It isn't likely that any marriage will sail smoothly along, with never a ripple in the smooth surface, but there are ways to avoid or minimize the misunderstandings and the conflict. In an interview about stepparenting that was printed in Salon, author Susan Chira said, "in reality, it's critical that you develop a strong marriage and a strong marital bond first, otherwise it's harder to negotiate all those other issues. Your adult needs must be met."
A similar view is offered by M. B. Dillon in Step-Parenting: The Latest Frontier , who observed that the biological and stepparent are "the glue holding it all together, and the glue needed to be strong and flexible." Most parents have some time alone together before the children arrive, but a stepparent is dropped right into a family. Sometimes he or she will bring children to the family, but often the stepparent has no parenting experience. If the couple has a honeymoon, it may be the last time they are alone together for a long time.
At Strengthening the Couple Relationship, there is an excellent discussion about what keeps a marriage strong. The author points out: "When a man and a woman join together in the mutual adventure through life, both individuals and the marriage are subjected to fierce strains; yet, in most cases, they give marriage only 'left-over time.'" Some of the areas that are important for keeping a marriage alive are Trust, Commitment, Skills, Caring, Reciprocity, Effort, and Enrichment, and the author elaborates on what makes up these important points. The article continues by looking at a Marriage Enrichment Plan. The seven areas that are described take little time and effort, but can have very positive results.
Some of the things that parents have to discuss before they move in together are the basics of day-to-day living. The house rules need to be decided in advance, and it certainly is possible that this can be done in meetings that involve the children. Perhaps his children are used to staying up until 10:00, whereas her children who are the same age have an 8:00 o'clock bed time. Even worse, one parent's biological children who are younger may have a later bed time than the other parent's children do. Nothing will be gained by arguing about it when everyone is living together, but a family consultation can result in a compromise. Ultimately, however, the parents decide what the rules are after listening to the discussion about the points in question. No matter what the situation, if adults present a united position, the children will accept it.
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