Often the children who object to the new stepparent express concerns before the marriage takes place. They may see behavioral characteristics that could lead to difficult times for the biological parent, or indications that the new partner is primarily interested in the parent's money. These can be difficult things to check, but it isn't a bad idea to take at least a quick look at the individual's background. Is he or she a bit reluctant to talk about place of birth, or where they lived until they moved to your town, or other things concerning their life or lifestyle?
When there are no questionable things in the stepparent's background, it becomes a bit more difficult to understand why adult children refuse to accept the marriage. They may see it as a failure to respect the memory of a deceased parent, or an attempt to shut out a divorced parent. There are people who remain close to their former in-laws when they remarry, so it doesn't necessarily hold true that a remarriage involves shutting out the previous partner. The children are adults, and it is perfectly acceptable for them to stay as close as possible to a divorced parent.
The children's feeling that any connection with a new stepparent implies disloyalty to the biological parent diminishes with time, especially if the stepparent doesn't push closeness, and the children see that the new member of the family isn't trying to replace the biological parent.
It is quite rare, but happens, that the new partner doesn't want anything to do with the adult stepchildren, and makes that clear from the start. The biological parent has to visit the children alone, or arrange visits at home when the stepparent is out. This makes for a difficult and uncomfortable situation for the biological parent, particularly on occasions such as Christmas when he or she would like everyone to celebrate together.
Adult children who are living with the biological parent should take part in a three-way conversation before the marriage takes place, where everyone's position is made clear. Has the biological parent set rules for the adult child? If so, will the stepparent be enforcing the rules and choosing punishments? Is the adult child too old to have curfews and other rules? If the adult child is used to weekly practices in the basement with an 8-piece rock band, will this drive the new stepparent insane? If so, what compromise will be made so that everyone can live with the choice.
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