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STEPPARENTS AND TEENAGERS: PART TWO

© Judi Chapman

The teenager and the stepfamily are working for two different causes, and this probably causes more difficulties in the family adjustment than does anything else. It is normal and expected that a teenager will develop increasing independence, and that he or she will, to some degree, move away from the family. On the other hand, the stepparent is trying to build a family, and to have everyone feel closer.

There is an excellent source of information for stepparents at Supporting Stepfamilies: What Do the Children Feel? The authors take a detailed look at Power and Control, Guilt, Loyalty Issues, Anger, and Fear. Having an understanding of what might be happening with the children's feelings gives the stepparent an opportunity to figure out the best approach to dealing with difficult behaviors if they develop.

Teenagers often are confused about who they will be, and what they will do with their lives. This time of change can results in surly behavior and inappropriate comments to parents, and may focus heavily on a stepparent. Some answers to this problem are outlined in Parenting a Teenager: What Works?

In the article "Tough" Love With Teens, the authors discuss what the term actually means and how to make it part of the parental routine. They say that it "represents a firm, caring solution for families torn apart by completely unacceptable and 'acting-out' behavior." So-called "soft love" is a "non-helping, rescuing love that parents often provide their adolescent because they don't trust their child to make mistakes. They either feel guilty about not spending time with them, or they don't want their teen to make the same mistakes they did. In most cases, it does not help the child through the teen years in becoming a mature, responsible adult."

Does success with adolescents depend on whether it is the biological or the stepfamily raising the children? Some past studies suggested that adolescents who were part of a stepfamily didn't do as well, but later research added more depth to the findings. For an interesting overview of the studies, see Family Type and Adolescent Adjustment.

Sometimes teenagers are depressed to the degree that it requires more attention on the part of the parents and stepparents. Occasionally it is serious enough that outside help is needed. In Signs of Teenage Depression, Dr. Kathleen McCoy lists the signs of depression as follows:

• Sadness, anxiety and hopelessness
• Lack of interest in food or compulsive overeating

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