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STEPPARENTS AND TEENAGERS: PART ONE

© Judi Chapman

Usually it is easier for younger children than it is for older ones to adjust to a stepparent joining the family. Often the older children are angry and hurt by their parents' divorce, and they may see the stepparent as responsible for breaking up the family. If a biological parent has died, it takes the children time to go through the grieving process, and this is even more pronounced when the children are older.

Another aspect to consider is that the older children are used to the family the way it used to be, with its traditions, routines, and expectations. Whether or not they liked it that way, it's what they know, and they often resist any attempts to change the pattern.

As children grow, there is a need to adjust house rules, and to encourage the increasing need for separation from the home. This is a routine development in a home with teenagers, and is a normal and necessary step. That doesn't, however, make it any easier to deal with, and the stepparent has the added burden of being a newcomer, or the one who is perceived as not belonging.

Although the older children are loosening the ties with their families, they still need attention. Stepparents shouldn't feel totally shut out, and are encouraged to keep trying to establish contact. This can be done slowly and carefully, and doesn't have to be completed in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. A possible activity is a lunch with the teenager, or a shopping trip. Another choice is enjoying sports together. It's important to keep trying, even in the face of rejection: kids remember that the effort was made.

Teenagers say that they appreciate having rules, although few have said this directly to their parents! However, children like to feel that they have some choice and control in their lives, and this becomes even more pronounced as they get older. If the child wants a change that isn't acceptable, one possible approach is to try to find a compromise, even if means the parent and stepparent have to allow a bit more freedom than they would prefer. Give the teenager two choices that are at least barely acceptable to you, trying to keep them relatively attractive for the child, and ask for a decision between the two options. Rather than pushing them to keep their rooms clean, ask if you can supply anything to help them tidy up: perhaps a storage container would be useful for keeping things off every horizontal surface (including the floor). By lessening opportunities for confrontation, there is more chance that a relationship can develop.

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