ADJUSTING: BUILDING A BLENDED FAMILY


The entire family makes a good backup in the stands for the child in Little League, or an appreciative audience at a school play. Sharing the children's interests whenever possible is an important activity for all parents, but particularly so for stepparents.

Car travel lends itself to game playing, especially if the stepparent and children introduce the others to activities they haven't done before. It's best if competition is minimized, as these new traditions should, as much as possible, be associated with fun and laughter.

Stepgrandparents can help a lot, too. One activity that often interests them is showing the children the family tree. When the blended family is new, it's best not to emphasize that the children are now part of the family history. When the summary reaches the present generation, the grandparent can say something casual, such as, "and this is where you fit in."

In Stepfamilies: The Stages of Growth, the author discusses development in detail. The stages include:

  • Rose-Colored Glasses
  • "It's My Fault"
  • "It's Their Fault"
  • Open Hostility
  • Agreements
  • Breakthrough
  • Resolution

An important point is a consistency in behaviors between the children's homes. Although it may not sound as if that builds the stepfamily, it does contribute a lot. If different behaviors are tolerated in the two homes, it can increase the angry comparisons and claims that the other home is better.

There is an interesting article, Effective Stepfamily Mission Statements and Co-Parent Job Descriptions, that looks at preparing a family Mission Statement as a creative aid in building a strong remarriage. It begins by discussing pre-marriage and defining which people constitute "our family," then continues through to consider points requiring evaluation after a number of years of marriage.

A good site for stepparents and children is The Asheville Stepfamily Page, where there are discussions for parents and kids.

Stepparents can try everything possible to create a close and loving family and yet see their efforts apparently going to waste. All sources emphasize that it takes time, often two years or longer, for major changes to take place. It's like building a string of beads, adding one triumph at a time.

The copyright of the article ADJUSTING: BUILDING A BLENDED FAMILY in Step- Parents is owned by Judi Chapman. Permission to republish ADJUSTING: BUILDING A BLENDED FAMILY in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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