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STEPPARENTS AND CUSTODY: PART ONE

© Judi Chapman

Unless a parent is remarrying because of the death of his or her partner, custody becomes a part of life with the new family. Sometimes the arrangements work well, but there are many situations that present difficulties. Children usually want to have contact with both parents, and often don't understand if one suddenly is no longer available. In addition, the absence of the other biological parent may be blamed on the stepparent, making family adjustment an almost constant challenge.

Custody can take the form of Sole Legal Custody where only one parent legally has the right to make decisions concerning the child's welfare; or Joint Legal Custody, where both parents legally may make decisions about the child in areas of education, religion, or welfare. Joint custody is the usual choice, with the child spending most of the time living in one parent's home. There are numerous situations, however, where children spent exactly half their time with each parent and have two permanent homes.

Blended families deal with any one of a number of possible situations. Some of the arrangements are:

• children living with one custodial biological parent and one stepparent.
• children of one custodial biological parent and one stepparent who also has children and has sole custody.
• children living with one biological parent who has joint custody, and a noncustodial stepparent.

This barely touches the surface of possible mixtures!

The complexities of custodial situations can be shown in the following example. The two parents each have two biological children, and both adults have joint custody: this also makes each adult a stepparent. The result may be that there are times when all four children are in the same home, and other times when all four are away. In fact, it would be a good situation if the parents at least occasionally have a few days alone together, as they are the foundation for building the new family. When they have some time to discuss unexpected difficulties, or to work on developing house rules, or to enjoy each other's company, all members of the family benefit. Having all of the children there on alternate weeks could work well if custody arrangements allow for it. This would intensify feelings of family with the stepparent and biological parent, and decrease feelings of jealousy that can develop when two children are with the other biological parent and two are not.

There have been many positive reports about joint custody, but it isn't always a workable solution. At Joint Custody: The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions, there is an in-depth look at plans that are made and how they work out. The author says that successful joint custody comes about when the biological parents stop focusing on what is best for them and instead consider what is best for the children.