STEPPARENTS: THE NEW BABY

Having a baby together can be a strong bond for the parents in a blended family, and often is a thrill for the older children. There are times, however, when the other children are afraid that the new baby will push them into the background. The children may feel comfortable with the love of their biological parent, but they wonder if the stepparent will care more for the new child because it is his or hers. Anticipating these difficulties is important, and stepparents should watch for any signs that the children feel threatened.

In the article New Baby in the House, there is a helpful discussion about what parents should look for and how they can handle the older children's concerns.

Gayle Peterson, writing for the Stepfamilies section of Parents Place, strongly recommends discussing the baby with the other children before the newcomer arrives, as that is the time the children are most likely to express their concerns. Sibling rivalry can take on a whole new meaning when it is stepsibling rivalry, and it is important that the older children realize how important they are to their parents. Even if the children's fears sound ridiculous, they should be taken seriously and discussed. The few minutes involved in reassuring the child could keep a serious attitude problem from developing later. In addition, Peterson emphasizes that there shouldn't be any pressure on the children to instantly love their new sibling; developing a relationship takes time.

Before the baby arrives, the other children can be involved in the planning for its arrival, but only to the degree that they are interested. This is one of the cases where feelings can't be forced. Asking them for limited assistance in the hectic early days after the baby's arrival can help the children feel involved with the new sibling. For example, a child can bring a bottle to the new mother when it is feeding time, or the mother might ask a child to sit with her while she's nursing. If the older children are used to having a special time with their parent and stepparent, it is important that this routine continues when the baby arrives.

It isn't uncommon for only one parent to want a new baby, and this can occur for any number of reasons. Perhaps the reluctant parent had children at a young age and now is ready to enjoy them as adults; the thought of starting all over again can be quite overwhelming. On the other hand, the parent who hasn't had a biological child feels that a major life experience is being denied.

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