The first step is to build a strong marriage as a base for all other developments. Some important points to keep in mind include:
- Work out problems as soon as they appear. A solution might not be obvious, or it could take time for things to clear up, but the important thing is to approach the trouble zone as soon as it becomes apparent.
- The parents must have private time together, even if there is a need to schedule it. These special moments give the couple a chance to focus on each other as partners, rather than seeing each other solely as parents.
- Make every attempt to give mutual support about household rules, child discipline, and money management.
As this is at least a second try at a family relationship, the couple usually are willing to work harder to strengthen the new blended family. Sometimes this means rising above past experiences and learning to trust again. Comparing previous situations with the present one is futile, and it is important to develop a new and unique family lifestyle.
At Social Policy, survey results are presented that suggest the best adjusted children result from families "in which the couple are family oriented and manage the household as partners." The report continued by saying that the least successful relationships are "where both mother and father expect instant love between stepfathers and children."
Communication must quickly become a strength, because there is a lot of figuring things out that needs to be done. Where there are family differences about how things are done, or changes that are desired, all members of the group should take part in problem-solving sessions. This offers children an excellent opportunity to learn about problem solving, and also gives family members a chance to express ideas or traditions that mean a lot to them. In turn, the openness of this communication helps all family members become more sensitive to the needs of others and helps in building a mutual affection.
At the Mastering Stepfamily Loyalty Conflicts site, there is a detailed worksheet for identifying and handling conflicts. The requirements involve recording rather strong statements, so parents should check the worksheet and adapt it before using it at a family meeting. Although the sheet could be a valuable tool, it is important that the family session not become a time when accusations are thrown around without concern for the feelings of others.
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