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STEPPARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS: PART ONE

© Judi Chapman

Part Two of this topic will be posted later this year.

Fortunate is the child who has devoted grandparents: that applies to all children, whether or not their grandparents are biological ones. In fact, stepchildren can be blessed with "extra" grandparents because of the stepparent relationship: the usual complement of four parents from the two biological parents, plus a couple more from a stepparent.

Usually a stepgrandparent gains the title when his or her child marries someone who already has children, but it also can happen when a grandparent remarries someone who has children.

At the well-documented Stepgrandparenting site, some studies are presented that show the children and stepgrandparents getting along well together. As there is little responsibility for disciplining the grandchildren, the relationship can be more companionable than is possible between the children and parents. In addition, grandparents have accumulated years of child raising behind them: many have learned a great deal about solving problems with children, and avoiding unpleasantness. In addition, they aren't under as much pressure as they were when they brought up their own kids, and are able to enjoy the young people more. Children benefit, too, from the attention given by their grandparents, and from learning how to feel comfortable with older people.

The stepparent may arrive with a parent or two still living, giving the stepchildren a chance to meet their new "stepgrandparents" who usually are thrilled by the chance to involve themselves with the children. One of the most important things is for the stepgrandparents to proceed slowly at first, allowing the children to get to know them. They don't want to appear as if they are competing with the biological grandparents, and shouldn't attempt to influence the children to take sides if there has been a divorce.

Both the stepparent and the biological parent can benefit from the presence of the "older generation." If there is difficulty establishing contact with one or more stepchildren, the grandparent may say a few things to the children that help to smooth the way. As they know the children, they also can help the new stepparent become aware of family habits, preferences, or weaknesses, and in that way enable the new member of the family to have a better overall picture of the family.

Family dynamics being what they are, there are cases where the relationship doesn't build, or where anger or disappointment can end up cutting grandparents off from the children.