When discussing stepmothers, I mentioned some points necessary for giving her support, and the same ones are as important for the man. He needs his wife's encouragement as he attempts to balance work and fatherhood, and learns to find his comfortable place in the family. In addition, the stepfather may have brought his biological children to the new marriage, or has them visit on regular occasions if they live with their mother, and this requires clear understanding between the couple. If the stepfather's wife works at home, she will be spending most of the day with the younger children, so it is important that the he feels that he is an integral part of the decision making for discipline and family guidelines. When both parents work outside the home, family adjustments to the changes involving the stepparent could take longer, and once again discussion can smooth the way.
Men are advised not to say negative things about the children's biological father, as this could serve to set the stepfather up as an enemy. Also, it's important for him to avoid being part of a competition for the children if the biological father is inclined to give expensive gifts, or if the father spends a lot on the children in an attempt to ensure that they enjoy visits with him. General opinion is that time is on the stepfather's side, as he slowly and carefully builds a good relationship with his new children. A helpful article, Being a Stepfather Is Tough Work, includes details about the following suggestions to stepfathers: don't badmouth the children's biological father, nor argue with your wife in front of the children. A number of articles mention that it is important at first for a stepfather to avoid too much physical affection like hugs and kisses, and instead start with verbal affection, with comments such as "you sure look nice today."
Some excellent ideas are presented at Hope for Stepfathers, with the following points considered in detail and illustrated with examples:
- Encourage the children's relationship with their biological father.
- Discuss discipline and exercise it with extreme caution.
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