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STEPMOTHER: PART ONE

© Judi Chapman

Part 2 will appear near the end of 1999.

Few characters in fiction have been portrayed as negatively as the stepmother. This is a great disservice to the vast number of women who have dedicated themselves to caring for and raising their children, whether they be mothers who work outside the home or ones who are full-time parents.

An interesting look at the history of the negative connotation attached to the word "stepmother" is shown at Wicked Stepmothers, Fact or Fiction (Student Project Paper), and shows how pervasive the belief has been over the years.

One of the first things the prospective stepmother needs to consider is that she will be marrying a man who may still have ties to another family. If he has an ex-wife, rather than being a widower, the ex probably will be a presence in her children's life. Some fortunate stepmothers are able to have at least a working relationship with the children's biological mother, and there are many who actually are able to work closely with her. The children probably will have grandparents from their biological mother's family, too, and these are other people the stepmother needs to acknowledge.

Going instantly from "bride" to "stepmother" requires major emotional preparation for a woman, and it helps if she already has an established relationship with the children. The children's father can be an invaluable ally if he realizes that the new mother's acceptance by the children will be faster if he follows some guidelines:

• Realize that there is no quick road to emotional closeness between the new stepmother and the children. Allow her time to get to know the children, and to develop an affectionate bond with them.
• Discuss in advance the guidelines for the children's behavior, and don't expect the new stepmother to take on a major disciplinary role until she and the children are comfortable together.
• Support the stepmother's decisions involving the children whenever possible.
• Don't allow her to feel left out. There are times when the father and children need to do things together, but it's also important to create family times.
• Attempt to understand her concerns, and don't automatically assume the children are always right.
• Spend time alone with your wife, especially when you are first married. She has suddenly gone from being single, or a single parent, to being a parent in an already existing family.

Very young children usually accept a new stepmother faster than older children do. The stepmother may have to attempt to help the children deal with the loss of their biological mother, no matter whether it resulted from death or divorce. If she makes it clear that she isn't attempting to replace their mother, but instead is there as a new adult to love and care for the children, it helps in developing the new emotional bonds.