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STEPPARENTS: THE NONCUSTODIAL PARENT

© Judi Chapman

In some families, the stepparent arrives without children, but has a family that lives elsewhere. The non-custodial parent is in a unique situation, one that can be difficult to work with, but not necessarily an overwhelming hurdle.

The noncustodial stepparent is becoming part of a family that will, to some degree, mix with his or her biological children. The nonresident children may visit every weekend, or once a month, or even less than that, but the chances are strong that they will be there sometimes. The first obvious point is that the "visiting" children will be aware that their parent has spent all the other days and months parenting the stepchildren, and having experiences with them that aren't shared with the biological offspring. In addition, there are the expected differences in opinion about discipline, rules, and general behavior when the biological children are visiting. Although things may be different from what they experience at home, the children have to realize that the rules of this home must be followed.

One of the more noticeable problems comes about if the noncustodial parents don't see the biological children often. The less frequent visits are, the more work is required to keep a close bond with the children. It helps if the custodial parent speaks of the other parent positively and keeps him or her as an important part of the child's life, but this isn't always done. Although there is a tremendous temptation to overdo the activities and treats when the biological child makes the infrequent visits, it isn't the way to build the relationship.

In addition, it is guaranteed that there will be occasions when the biological children complain, saying that this "isn't the way things are done at our place." The biological parent can explain to the children why the rules are different, and point out how necessary it is that everyone follow the same guidelines. When they are all together, look for the child who seems unhappy and find out why.

An excellent site at Non-custody Parents gives some pointers for parents to consider. Part of the discussion focuses on the children who visit the home, and the rest looks at the children who are permanent residents.

Sometimes non-custodial parents feel that visits aren't a good thing. There may be difficulties when the children come to the non-custodial parent's home, or even if the parent goes to the child's permanent residence. Children can feel rejected when a biological parent lives with a stepfamily, and that can show up in bad behavior or verbalized rejection. However, it remains extremely important for the noncustodial parent to keep contact with the children, and to build and nurture the relationship.