NEW PARENT: ARRIVING WITH CHILDREN

Many of the points about the single stepparent joining a family also are true for stepparents who bring their own child or children into the new relationship. There are, however, some aspects that are more noticeable in this case.

Having a his/hers blended family makes it even more important that the couple do some planning before they all move in together. Both parents may have similar ideas about household rules, but it isn't likely that the points are identical. If his ten-year-old is allowed to stay up until 9:00, while her ten-year-old is supposed to be in bed by 8:00, something new must be worked out that applies to both children. Not all the points of contention will be known in advance, so the parents start out with a somewhat open-ended plan.

Parents usually work out different disciplines for each of their biological children, depending on what works best with and for each child. These differences may be small, but over time have developed in the most appropriate way: they seldom are mentioned within the family, and may not even be noticed. When attempts are made to work out disciplinary approaches to best suit each child in a blended family, however, the chances are strong that the children will be looking for signs of favoritism and will jump on any perceived differences. One child will see himself as receiving punishment that is too strict, while his stepsister will claim that she's never been treated so badly in her entire life.

A stepparent may be more objective when looking at the step-child's behavior, and appear less understanding because of it. This can lead to the child feeling that the stepparent is harsh, and possibly result in a degree of defensiveness in the biological parent.

On the other hand, the stepparent as a more objective viewer often has the opportunity to act as a referee, and the result is beneficial for all concerned. In The Family Referee, there is an excellent discussion of this point, complete with examples.

The more the adults can plan in advance, the better the household will run after the two families are living together. Not all difficulties can be caught in advance, and some anticipated problems might never arise, but it helps to be as prepared as possible. It's possible that his seven-year-old and her same-age child will become instant friends, and time spent together before the families blend might suggest that all is well, but both adults should be prepared for how things may change when the children suddenly are sharing a bedroom.

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