Home » Partners & Parents » Step- Parents » NEW PARENT: ARRIVING ALONE

NEW PARENT: ARRIVING ALONE

© Judi Chapman

This week I'm looking at the arrival of the new member of the household who isn't bringing along any family. Next time I'll comment about the new parent who has a child or children.

Because the newcomer is single, the chances are strong that he or she will move in with the other parent and children, simply because it means fewer people have to make a change. Some experts suggest that the entire family should move into a new place so that's there's a fresh beginning for everyone. Even so, this usually isn't a case of someone new arriving and everybody immediately smiling happily and sitting down at the dinner table.

There is a lot of shared history that occurred before the new parent arrived, and the best advice probably is to move slowly. Even though the children knew the stepparent before he or she moved in, it is quite a different matter to be sharing a home, and it's important to allow everyone time to become acquainted.

In addition, it's possible that the biological family is still experiencing a time of grief, either for a deceased parent or one who is non-custodial. This again emphasizes the need to move slowly, keeping the children from seeing the stepparent as an interloper who is trying to replace the absent parent. While the stepparent attempts to develop a relationship with the children, the adult couple are trying at the same time to build a new marriage. They have to balance their attempts to build a strong union with concerns for the children's growth and welfare. Some of the stages that occur when new families are formed are discussed in some detail in Building Kin.

An area that will need a lot of consideration is the matter of discipline. It usually is recommended that the new parent wait awhile before disciplining the children in order to first build a relationship with them. The stepparent, however, has every right to expect courtesy and respect from the children right from the start. In addition, if the biological parent is going to be away, the children should be told something like, "all my rules apply when you're here with x, and I expect you to obey if you're asked to do something." When the time comes for the new parent to take part in disciplining the children, there will have been ample opportunity for both adults to discuss the expectations in that area. There probably will be conflicts with an ex about discipline, too, and not moving too quickly enables the new family to work through these problems.

The copyright of the article NEW PARENT: ARRIVING ALONE in Step- Parents is owned by Judi Chapman. Permission to republish NEW PARENT: ARRIVING ALONE in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.