How the Critic Stole Star Wars
© Paul F. McDonald
While it was true that no one quite knew the reason he hated Lucas and declared the prequels an act of treason.
Some said it was because his tie was tied too tight - others because his glasses just didn’t let him see right.
All that was known was the bitterness of his film reviews arguing how the Force now only inspired him to take a snooze.
Sitting in his cramped office, his fingers feverishly thumping, he knew somehow he had to stop Episode Three from coming.
With hours to go he dreaded the merchandise tie-ins, loathing the imminent rush of fans to action figure bins.
But that was only the beginning, that much was plain, and when the film opened, it would drive him insane!
The Fans would dress up and then wait in line for hours - they’d talk of clones and lightsabers and wierd Jedi powers!
John Williams would be cheered by all Fan girls and boys, and when THX Sound started, oh, the noise, noise, noise!
It was all special effects with no heart at all - but Fans didn’t care, as long as they got Darth Maul!
Will anyone listen to what, I, the Critic has to say? No, no they won’t - not on this fateful day!
But slowly he began to get an idea. A wonderful idea! An awful idea! The Critic got a wonderful, awful idea!
Jumping out of his seat, without a minute to waste, the Critic began to make himself look like Lucas with haste!
He grabbed a fake beard out of his closet with care, then put on some sneakers and a red flannel shirt to wear.
When he snuck into Skywalker Ranch he knew just what to do, for by the time that night was over, Star Wars would be through!
With a spring in his step and a twisted smile on his face, the Critic proceeded to loot everything all over the place.
He took all the computers! He stole all the graphics! He went after ILM! He even got all the promo packets!
But as he was stuffing all this up the Skywalker chimney so fast, the Critic heard a noise and turned to see if he had been caught at last.
There stood producer Rick McCallum with a question in his eye, and at that moment the Critic knew he had better ready a lie.
“George, why are you taking all our computers, why?”
But you know, that old Critic was so sly and so slick,
| Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: | View all related messages |
For a complete listing of article comments, questions, and other discussions related to Paul F. McDonald's Star Wars topic, please visit the Discussions page.