Play it fair. Make a list, if need be, in writing, of do's and don'ts. Create a "tariff" of sanctions and rewards. Let him know what actions or inactions on his part will trigger a dissolution of the relationship. Be unambiguous and unequivocal about it. And mean what you say. Again, showing up for counseling must be a cardinal condition.
Yet, even these simple, non-threatening initial steps are likely to provoke your abusive partner. Abusers are narcissistic and possessed of alloplastic defenses. More simply put, they feel superior, entitled, above any law and agreement, and innocent. Others--usually the victims--are to blame for the abusive conduct ("See what you made me do?").
How can one negotiate with such a person without incurring his wrath? What is the meaning of contracts "signed" with bullies? How can one motivate the abuser to keep his end of the bargain--for instance, to actually seek therapy and attend the sessions? And how efficacious is psychotherapy or counseling to start with?
These are the topics of our next article.
More about this topic here:
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verb...
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/spou...
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