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Billionaire Saviours

© Ryan Joseph Robinson

I have a solution to the small-market disparity that is crippling Major League Baseball. Hours of working out Quantum Physics and even more hours of shaking my Magic 8-Ball have resulted in a three-step-approach that will give baseball a Beverly Hills quality facelift. I'll spare you from the complicated numerical statistics, but here is a scaled-down, simplistic formula that will rescue small-market fans from the dreaded infliction C.W.S.W. (Chronic World Series Withdrawal)

Step 1: B.G. + K.C.=Windows of Opportunity

Bill Gates should buy the Kansas City Royals. I don't care if Gates doesn't know a baseball from a tennis ball; it's the principle of the matter. Someone needs to stand up for the underdogs, and wouldn't it be ironic if Monopoly Gates could help out the also-rans for once.

In the schoolyard that is Major League Baseball, George Steinbrenner and Ted Turner have been picking through weaker teams' lunchboxes for far too long. Bill Gates could put baseball on its ear. Hell, the Yankees yearly budget could probably be found between Gates's couch cushions. Think about the possibilities: Royals' players Carlos Beltran, Jermaine Dye, Mike Sweeney, and Carlos Febles could all be signed to long-term contracts, thus avoiding an eventual Yankees-Braves-Mets-Dodgers private auction.

It wouldn't matter if Gates renamed Kauffman Stadium "Microsoft Park". It wouldn't even matter if computers with Internet access were mounted on the seats of season ticket holders. Remember, it's the principle of the matter, or rather the Principal of the matter. Bill Gates could be the Dean of disenfranchised franchises. Sure, he would lose millions, at first, but such losses would merely be a tax write-off to the billionaire. I don't need a crystal ball (or a Magic 8-ball) to tell you that a hefty dollar commitment would pack fans in the stands of downtrodden teams. Everyone loves a winner, especially if you are accustomed to losing.

Step 2: P.A. + M.T. = Blue Chip

Paul Allen should buy the Minnesota Twins. This one makes sense. Old buddies Allen and Gates could participate in billionaires' version of "My team is better than your team". Allen is quite familiar with the value of blue-chip stocks, and he would no doubt lock up blue-chip prospects and major league players to long-term deals. Eric Milton, Mark Redman, Jacque Jones, and Torii Hunter can finish what they're starting in Minnesota. Think about it: The Twins and Royals could play games against each other THAT ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING.