Ron Artest starts brawl - David Stern finishes it

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Nov 22, 2004

I want there to be no misunderstanding, so let me make my position clear right from the start. I am not claiming to be any less hot headed or more capable of showing restraint during an altercation than Ron Artest. I'm a little older than Ron, perhaps somewhat more mature, but that's subjective opinion and my intent here is to stick with the facts. The fact is that if anybody came into my place of business and threw their beverage on me, they would at the very least be the recipient of a bad intentioned punch to the face. It's a matter of pride, of dignity, of dry cleaning expense. I would enjoy being showered in beer or soft drink as much as the next sane guy, which is to say, not very much at all.

Although we share matching mindsets when it comes to being doused by a stranger, there are a few subtle but critical differences between Mr. Artest and myself. He is considerably taller than me, and I'll concede that he's a better athlete, or at least a better basketball player. As result, Ron Artest is employed by the NBA. Like the rest of his co-workers, he's pretty well paid, earning millions of dollars per year to dribble and shoot and defend. Playing professional basketball at an elite level automatically qualifies him to be a beloved celebrity, if not necessarily a role model. The role of rich and famous athlete comes with all sorts of great perks, such as the opportunity to record a vanity rap album to name just one. This makes being Ron Artest not too bad a deal. I've learned to be content as an obscure middle class armchair quarterback who pens articles for your entertainment. My deal comes with far fewer perks, but also protects me from being subjected to some of Ron's hardships.

For example, I rarely if ever have to deal with hecklers at work. I've received a few rejection letters from editors over the years that were less than pleasant, but to date, not a single editor or literary critic has shown up at my office to call me nasty names, hurl personal insults, and demand that I be taken out of the game. Any disappointing, or infuriating, or humiliating experiences that I find myself subject to are not played out in view of the demanding public. If I choose to make a fool of myself, the only image that will be tarnished is my own. When I misbehave, for better or worse I only have my wife to answer to. So far in our marriage she has yet to suspend me.

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