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Forgiveness Therapy

© Kaci L Koltz

There is something inside you. You can't always feel it, but it's deep within you, festering. There are times when it moves to your brain and you almost go crazy. Sometimes it lies in your belly and digests you. If you can't get rid of it, eventually you will feel its effects in your physical health.

What is it? What is this canker that so easily destroys us inside?

It's anger. It's hurt.

Sometime in your life, someone did something or said something that hurt you deeply. It happens to everyone. Perhaps you've forgotten about it, or you try not to think about it. Maybe you have avoided the person who hurt you. The scab on this hurt is always there and the wound never heals. It doesn't take much for that scab to open up and the wound to burn fresh. If you know it for what it is, you feel hurt by this person. If you haven't examined the wound that closely, what you feel is anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, used as a defense mechanism to cover up embarrassment, frustration, sadness and hurt. Although anger is just a symptom, it's deadly enough to kill.

Harboring anger and hurt feelings can actually make you sick over time, and lead to unhealthy addictions. Everett Worthington, Jr., a clinical psychologist and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, has completed studies that show people who won't forgive the wrongs done against them have more stress-related disorders, lower-functioning immune systems, and more cases of heart disease than people who forgive. Unforgiving people tend to also have higher divorce rates. Worthington is a pioneer in what is called forgiveness therapy.

A nationwide poll of Americans revealed that 94% feel that it is important to forgive others, yet only 48% actually try to forgive wrongs. Christians, in particular, feel that God's forgiveness is key in their lives, but they do not seek forgiveness from people they have hurt. What does this mean? It means we are overlooking something very important: forgiveness is necessary for optimal health. Holding in hurt and anger and guilt only punishes you, not the one you are angry at.

Psychiatrist Karl Menninger once said that if he could convince his psychiatric hospital patients that their sins were forgiven, three quarters of them could walk out the next day.

So what, exactly, is forgiveness? Despite the phrase "forgive and forget," forgiving does not mean forgetting. It is probably not even possible to forget a deep hurt. What forgiving is, is to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge, the bitter ties that bind us to the one who hurt us. The very first step is to want to forgive, to heal that wound. Start by acknowledging the hurt and feeling the anger. Recognize that you have a right to feel that way. The next step is to consciously stop all thoughts of revenge, of hurting that person in return. These first two steps may take a long time to complete.

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