The Hammers get hammered and other Christmas stories


© Joe Martin
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'Twas the night before Christmas and not a child in the house washed. Too late for buying presents or sending cards now. Not too late for e-mail but that's another ballgame. Let's just share a few Christmas Crackers and other stories.

The Hammers get Hammered: For the uninitiated, West Ham United from the cockney side of London more or less are the Hammers. (pronounced Ammers). Getting hammered has too basic meanings. They are distinct although not necessarily mutually exclusive. It is possible to get hammered without being hammered at the time but in truth you are more likely to get hammered if you are already hammered in the first place. If you are still puzzled, getting hammered in a soccer sense is finishing the game on the wrong end of an embarrassing scoreline. Getting hammered while not on the soccer field requires copious amounts of alcohol intake, to make a long story short while making every short story as long as possible.

If you still haven't pressed the remote control, I am babbling on ('Tis the season) about West Ham United professional soccer players and role models to their nation's children, and their behaviour at a recent Christmas "party." As is all too common these days, sports "superstars" have difficulty spending their money on having a good time and seem to draw the limelight on themselves through unacceptable conduct in their search for kicks. (intended pun whether you like it or not.) Neil Ruddock and Trevor Sinclair found themselves in court, and then released on bail. The pair was detained by police following conduct unbecoming at a Seventies fancy dress party attended by sundry members of West Ham's Premiership first team.

Of course, it could have all been harmless fun, and we might not have heard anything about it if it wasn't the third off-field incident to bring West Ham bad publicity this season. Combustible striker John Hartson was convicted of criminal damages after kicking a plant in a Swansea street, probably causing less damage than when he later kicked teammate Eyal Berkovic in the head during a practice session. With teammates like him, who needs an opposition?

Manager Harry Redknapp understandably lost his Father Christmas spirit and declared "That's it. There won't be any more Christmas parties. Not while I'm here." Famous last words for many a manager but I have to agree with him. I suppose that effectively rules me out for the Upton Park job when it does become available again. The game has enough errant behaviour and justified poor criticism without the pros participating actively and publicly in rowdiness. Ideally, they would be involved in combating hooliganism, and not proliferating it. These are not down and out teenagers from the "wrong" side of LA, or bored rich kids from Beverly Hills, but so-called professionals who should be prepared to accept responsibility for their actions.

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