Summer Time Blues: How to Simulate Skiing!© Michael J. Maassen (The Ski Bum)
Jan 16, 1998
So, to all of you who
like to hang out at the Apres Ski Lounge, you may have noticed
that up here in the northern hemisphere the warm snap has hit
and we have that season the most avid skiers dread…summer.
We sit back and dream about the snow that is just around that
distant corner. I myself, have just gotten back after a lengthy
bike ride, which I find helps my legs stay in shape for the next
ski season.
Now, for those of you
down under, like New Zealand and Australia, who are just in the
midst of your ski season, we envy you! Nevertheless, for those
less fortunate, here are some thoughts on the:
TOP TEN WAYS
TO SIMULATE SKIING, starting with number ten!
| 10 | Visit your local butcher and pay him $30.00 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two 50 dollar bills to warm up.
| | 9 | Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying 2 pairs of skis, an accessory bag and poles, pretending that you are looking for your car.
| | 8 | For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
| | 7 | Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
| | 6 | Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $7.50 for a hamburger and be sure to wait in the longest line.
| | 5 | Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
| | 4 | Drive slowly for 5 hours - anywhere, but for best results do it during a heavy rainstorm and be sure you are following an 18 wheeler.
| | 3 | Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face, you will think that you're skiing in front of a snowmaker.
| | 2 | Dress up in as many clothes as you can, then proceed to take them all off because you have to go to the bathroom.
| | 1 | Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday, until ski season starts up again and you will be right into the swing of thing!
|
In closing, for those
of you in the Northern Hemisphere, make the best of summer, as
the snow is just around the corner. For those of you that presently
have the pleasure of a ton of snow or more…enjoy. We who
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