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The Battle of the Exes

© Mike Gowen

Okay, admittedly I am not the brightest person. It wasn't enough to try and coordinate with one ex-wife when it comes to children. No, Einstein that I am went for two. Four kids and two ex-wives must compute into some equation that would boggle even the greatest of mathematicians. Add the fact that they don't like each other very much and you have yourself quite a test of peace. If you really want to complicate things, throw a girlfriend into the equation. Ex-spouses can be quite a challenge at times and thankfully this author has moved beyond the feeling that I am going into combat when I am around one of them. Okay, we still have little militant outbreaks. It's kind of like trying to keep peace in the Middle East. No one really wants an all-out war, but the potential is always there.

I think watching people intermingle who were once married to each other is a lot like watching an old Sonny and Cher variety show. Put two exes in a room and often you have one-liners firing from both sides with such speed as to make any Nascar fan ecstatic. Of course the difference here is that Sonny and Cher loved each other while they were making that show. It's a little different when the one-liners are intended to inflict pain. The really sad part is that often this verbal battle takes place in front of an audience, a very young audience. So you won't let your child watch Rugrats because of some of the material yet you let them watch your ex and you verbally rip each other apart.

This is a tough subject to deal with by any stretch of the imagination. We are human and being such we feel pain. When two people who were once in love are suddenly not there anymore it's difficult not to be defensive when around them. Hell, I used to have nicknames for my exes - like Warlord and Ice Queen. But whatever feeling of accomplishment I had for the simple minded thinking that I had gotten the better of them during our verbal confrontations was soon displaced when I saw the fear and hurt in the eyes of my children. You know what? It's not worth it.

Perhaps there should be a mandated mediator for newly divorced couples with children. Hello Bob & Sara? Great, we are all here. I just love this three-way calling. Can everybody hear me okay? My name is Noot. If my voice sounds a little strange to you it's mostly because I have no gender. It's my company's way of ensuring to you that I won't be taking any sides here because of my sex. I have been asked to intercede here today to try and help you two coordinate visitation for the upcoming weekend without bloodshed. According to my recent figures from the American Red Cross, blood supplies are very short these days, so it would really help everyone out if we can accomplish this. Let's start with some repair work. Sara, that comment Bob made about that Motel 6 sign being erected outside your bedroom window was in pure jest. Where does he come up with those? And Bob, that comment Sara made to you and three million people on the Internet about your lovemaking skill being comparable to the speed and sensitivity of firing off a bottle rocket still tears me up. And to think she didn't mean a word of it.