By no means is this the definitive work on the forgiveness process. It is simply my journey towards new things. Next month will be the start of a new series that will last until July. But before I can begin something new I need too completely "let go" of a heavy weight and this article is my final step.
Some months ago I was away on an extended vacation, a road trip around the South Western States: Idaho, California, Nevada, New Mexico and Arizona. The trip lasted 2 months and I had a fabulous time with my Partner. We traveled part of that time with a number of friends, but only for about a week.
Out of respect for the others involved I will not give details of the events that caused our group to separate. Rather I will share with you the emotions that I felt after the event occurred. This is my side of the story and my emotions, there are seven other sides, but this is mine.
Not in control
After the splitting of the group or as a friend not on the trip put it, "we were voted off the island," I was hurt and angry. I felt that my partner and I had been betrayed. To me all of the blame was put on us for what happened and that enraged me. I have no problem saying that I had a part in it. I have never refused my share of the responsibility towards the event, but I was furious that the others took no responsibility for their parts.
My partner was hurt and saddened by what had happened and we both questioned our worth as people and friends. For the next couple of days we struggled with the feelings of loss and anger that enveloped us. We felt abandoned, I felt rage.
For approximately three weeks I couldn't sleep, and when I did sleep I had nightmares about what happened. I would wake up even angrier than before. I couldn't control it; the anger had complete control over me.
There was a part of me that knew this was bad. Not only did it continue to give the event power over me, it's just not healthy to have such a heat bubbling away inside. But at that time, it was too new, too fresh for me to deal with rationally or logically.
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