Loving Memory

Last week I received a sad and heartfelt email from a friend. A dear close friend of hers was killed in a car accident on his 29th birthday. Although I hadn't met him yet, my friend had spoken often of how much the two of us would get along and how much she wanted us to meet. I am sad that I will now never have that opportunity.

The following day my mom called me to tell me that my cousin Suzanne had died Scuba Diving. She was 21.

I'm sad and frustrated as I write this. Sad because she died and frustrated because I hadn't seen her or talked to her for a few years and didn't know her as well as I could have. I'm angry at the complete injustice of it all and like the rest of the family I'm wondering Why?

In the email my friend sent she spoke of how much she loved each of us addressed in the letter. She wanted us to know important we, her friends and family, were to her.

Her email made me think about the people I love and care about. I thought about some people that I haven't thought about in months or seen for years, but still care deeply about. Like my cousin Suzanne.

We all have people in our lives we keep meaning to call but we put it off, I'll call tomorrow, or the day after. Then the day after becomes next week, next month and suddenly time immeasurable has pasted and we're not even sure if the number we have is the right one anymore. Or it's too late and you're going to a service for someone you knew and should have known better.

I can hear the voices at the Funeral service this Thursday already. Family that hasn't seen each other in, quite literally, years. "It's been so long." "It's too bad we're together under such awful circumstances."

Yes, it has been long. Yes, happier times would be better. These aren't happy times, why did we leave it until now? I'm not trying to lay blame or make this anyone's fault. It's as much a fault of human nature as anything else, and I'm a part of it. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated and I feel completely and utterly uselessness right now.

I want to say I'm going to do better, call that friend I've been meaning to for weeks, email my ex who I haven't spoken to for years. But I don't know if I will. I may just continue to bumble around in 'too busy, not enough time, even for myself' life and leave it until it's too late. I don't know, I'm going to try.

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