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Aping a Classic...badly: PLANET OF THE APES

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I'm not shy about stating that when I hear Hollywood is about to do another remake of a film most people consider a classic, I cringe.

After all, "remake" means to repair or improve. A classic, by definition, needs neither, and when a film like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Psycho is redone the result is rarely if ever as satisfying as the original. At the very least, when someone decides to play with an established icon, you hope to see some new twist to the plot or an original take on the theme. However, when the remake is undertaken solely because (a) someone feels the original has become too dated and/or (b) they want to see what the new special effects technologies will achieve, you end up with a disaster like Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes.

Make no mistake, the effects and Rick Heinrichs' mise-en-scenes of Mr. Burton's version are spectacular. Rick Baker's makeup is, for the most part, so much better than the rubber masks the cast in the original had to wear there is simply no comparison. Granted, his modifying the female version to allow for more flexibility of expression turns all the female characters into clones, but the rest are excellent. And while the action scenes are few and far between, when they do arrive they are well handled.

Why, then, is this movie such a bore?

Well, for starters, Mr. Burton and his screenwriters William Broyles, Jr., Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal felt it necessary to provide us with the backstory on the evolution of the intelligent ape species. So, he begins with a space station where the last remaining primates, now genetically enhanced so they can earn their keep, are stored because the highest primate has utterly destroyed all their habitats.

Mark Wahlburg, as Air Force Captain Leo Davidson, isn't happy with the way his primate pals are treated by the brass, so when one particular favorite, a chimp named Pericles, gets lost while exploring a huge electromagnetic storm, Davidson flies to the rescue and, of course, lands on the Planet of the Apes.

Up to this point, the movie isn't bad. It isn't great--the characters, even Wahlburg's, are flat and stereotyped--but it has potential to at least be a decent action film. But this is Tim Burton--he doesn't do straight action. Unfortunately, in this movie, he doesn't do much of anything else, either. Except try to be clever and fail miserably.