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The Abuse We Suffer

© Ian Chovil

People don't often think about the abuse one experiences from schizophrenia itself. People are generally much more upset at the abuse people with schizophrenia suffer at the hands of government, society, and doctors. In fact even though I have schizophrenia I hadn't really thought I was being abused by my symptoms until I got to know a young woman for whom medication is only partially effective. She hears voices, she feels the presence of spirits, she cuts herself, she hits her head against the wall to make them stop. When no one is in the house she will scream at the top of her lungs.

She won't tell her physician about her symptoms because she doesn't want her to raise the dose of her medication. I felt for her. She was young, attractive, and I couldn't understand why she would put up with such disturbing symptoms. She wasn't even taking that much medication. I know people on much more. Like many people with schizophrenia, she thinks she is unique. She thinks her response to medication is different than anybody else's. She was beyond reason about it.

Then I thought a little about my symptoms and realized that I don't tell anyone about them either. My symptoms are that the police have tapped my phone and are looking for an excuse to charge me. I feel like I'm being watched when I see someone outside my window looking at me. When I go for a walk I feel like the people I see might attack and/or rob me. It often feels like some higher power is controlling the events I experience, that there are messages in random events. When I dream I think that I really am communicating with people telepathically. Sometimes I know I have an important mission on this planet, that I have a wisdom I have to share to save the world.

I'd like to believe much of what my mind generates on it's own, but I'm wise enough to try and ignore these things, seductive as they often are, and focus on concrete things, like money. I tell myself why would anybody important be living on disability benefits. It was the cross I bear, the burden I carry. I never thought of it as abuse. But it is. It is very stressful to walk by somebody not sure if they are going to physically assault you, and I feel that all the time. It wears you down to always speak to other people over the phone as if the police are listening. You want them to like you so they will be lenient. It doesn't help that I know there actually is a police culture and they can be lenient on you.

The copyright of the article The Abuse We Suffer in Schizophrenia is owned by Ian Chovil. Permission to republish The Abuse We Suffer in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.