Smart Travelling: Reflections on My Journey to Acceptance - Page 2

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Aug 24, 2001

I had planned to take the train for a leisurely journey that would allow me to work on some writing projects, listen to books-on-tape, and prepare lessons for a class I teach, I had several pieces of luggage, including a heavy suitcase and carry-on bags. I expected that I could get my heavy suitcase checked through to my destination at my starting point, and I would only have to manage a couple of carry-on bags. Such was not the case. Highly disappointed, I looked forward to the uninterrupted travel for the several days I would be on board.

Before beginning my trip, I thought I had worked it out so that I could manage my luggage regardless of how I might be feeling. But, when my train ride was interrupted by an unplanned bus trip, I was thrown completely off balance. While I thought about getting assistance from the redcap, something inside me would not allow it. Perhaps it was my drive to be independent.

When I was finally in my sleeper fuming over my ordeal of wrestling with heavy luggage, it hit me that I had become the victim of my own vanity. It was not so much my physical appearance that concerned me. It was being perceived as vulnerable, needy, or dependent. I had been willing to struggle rather than accept my internal representations of what that looked and felt like. I was not willing to allow my illness to become visible. As I calmed myself, sitting in the sleeper, wiping perspiration from my brow, it sank in that I still have a long way to go in accepting all that having a chronic illness means.

While on my visit, I checked my email and found a reference to an article about dealing with invisible illness. It was ironic that the person in the article was struggling with getting services for herself because she did not look ill, and I was struggling with accepting that I have a condition that sometimes demands that I ask for and accept additional services. I sat with that for a while.

During my visit, I talked to several people about accepting help. Everyone supported the necessity and right for me to get what I needed. I felt somewhat better and a little less vulnerable with that support. I promised my family and myself that I would definitely use redcaps and luggage carts on my return trip and refrain from trying to do it all. And, that I would look more carefully at travelling a little lighter in the future.

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