Clashing Values


Rate, in order of importance, the following values: career, love, family, money, success. Now invite your sweetie to do the same (maybe even make your own predictions for him/her in the meantime) and allow the results to naturally lead into a discussion. It's interesting to discover what your partner truly holds highest regards and importance for, especially when you place those alongside your own.

Values can affect and include important issues of tradition, child rearing practices, religion, politics, cultures, life goals, financial management, etc.

What happens, then, when your values and/or beliefs clash with those of your partner? Chances are there will be at least some initial friction surrounding the differences, sometimes even enough so that the partnership can't seem to get beyond the "heat" created by the differences. On the the other side, a couple committed to their relationship can work through the blocks.

It's not necessary to either change what you value or to expect a mate to alter his or her beliefs. Learning to accept and honor your differences is a more healthy and conflict-avoiding approach. However, if you are offended by the way the other ranks life priorities, then perhaps you need to do some serious work. Start by openly, unjudgmentally listening as your honey explains why he/she considers a certain quality to be so vital. By valuing your own as well as the other's values, the relationship can be enhanced. You may even emerge from the process closer and more understanding of each other.

Web Links:

  • Love Compatibles - introduces singles according to shared beliefs and values
  • The Secrets of Making Love Happen - Handwriting Analysis expert and author Bart Baggett offers an excerpt from his book on how to rate and read the values of mates and yourself. There's also a special list on the second page worthy of printing or passing along to your partner. It provides a more complete listing of values to rank, compare, and contrast.
  • Help-Yourself - Here's a fulfillment web site where you'll find self-tests, exercises, and guidance. There's a section specifically for improving relationships through open communications, as well.

    Literature Links:

  • Motivating Clients in Therapy: Values, Love and the Real Relationship
    ~ by Richard Rappaport
  • The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate ~by Gary Chapman
    Synopsis: "Chapman takes a fresh and innovative approach to relationship. Using the concept that we all have a specific "language" we speak when we care deeply about someone, Chapman helps us to become aware of our own love language(s) as well as teaches us to "speak fluently" in the love language of our significant other. A must read for everyone who finds themselves in relationship! This book is simple, yet powerful. Gary Chapman provides a realistic assessment of marriage and common marriage complaints/problems. His suggested solutions are practical and easily adaptable."
    The copyright of the article Clashing Values in Romantic Relationships is owned by Michele KayD. Permission to republish Clashing Values in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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