Love talk can be used to enhance desire. Sometimes what you say isn't necessarily as important as how you say it. In fact, research has shown that only seven percent of human communication is actually verbal; thirty- eight percent is through tone and inflection. The key is to use a soft, gentle, low voice. You want to sound warm, inviting, and open to your lover. To get started, just be flirtatious, maybe even introduce a provocative question: ask what he/she would like you to wear tonight? Or, if you're a bit bolder, ask him/her to name an intimate fantasy you could act out later. Let the conversation move forward naturally, but keep your partner actively involved in the suggestions and requests. Once the stage is set, the anticipations will build, thus talking becomes a form of foreplay.
Sex Talk can also be used as a tool for guiding intimate experiences. What is, as well as what could work better for each partner needs to be honestly, yet lovingly addressed. Otherwise, one or both will feel frustrated — and deservingly so. This direct kind of intimate sharing needs to be approached very delicately, however. There's a fine line between encouraging or suggesting and criticizing or demanding when sexual issues are the focus. A recent article in "Jane" suggests discussing such issues after the actual experience. "Instead of feeling frustrated and resentful, this is the perfect time to talk about your love play... Don't move straight into it; open with a positive... Now that you've built him up, introduce your concerns... Let him know that while what you just had was good, you would really have seen stars if..." (Oct./Nov. 1997)
Another good time for learning (and guiding toward) what is most pleasurable, is during the "love play." This may be especially beneficial for slightly timid lovers. Being in the moment can provide greater leeway in expressiveness. Inner guards and inhibitions tend to be significantly lowered in this state. The simplest encouraging remark or non-verbal hints (such as facial expressions, gestures, deep breathing, or body movements) can signal your satisfaction, or dissatisfaction. These clues can show your partner the way you'd prefer to be touched at a certain moment, without deflating his/her ego. Susan Rabin, author of 101 Ways to Flirt (Penguin, 1997) says, "Don't make it a direction... It's all in style: Instead of a command, make a suggestion. Make sure that you give lots of compliments." (By the way, the other fifty-five percent of commucication is non-verbal, which makes "body language" our strongest expressive tool.)
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