Overcoming Denial
I have never, ever told my son that he is making it up when he deals with memories. I pray with him, and ask God to heal the memories, and to bring security to my son, and to fill the painful areas with the knowledge of His love and mercy. I pray for blessing on both of my children. And God has been faithful to answer. My son no longer nightmares at night, has made good friends at school, is active in sports, has better grades than 2 years ago, and tells me he is happy (the last is the most important to me).
I believe that denial is a large barrier to healing. Often, when a survivor begins to recover memories, they will go to family members for validation, or to confront them. They are also frequently faced with invalidation, denial, or even verbal abuse from those same family members, who need to maintain their own denial to protect themselves from facing painful truths. “You’re crazy”, “You’re sick”, “You have a sick imagination,” “How can you make these things up,” “You need help”, and more cruel phrases are thrown at the person whose amnesia is beginning to break, from those who want them to maintain it. After all, if ONE person starts remembering, then OTHERS might, and the others in the family system might not be psychologically strong or healthy enough to remember. I think one of the saddest realities is that it takes more psychological integrity, honesty, and truth-seeking to remember something as painful as ritual abuse, yet the person who is remembering is told the opposite by family members unwilling to face their own pain.
The disapproval of family members is extremely painful, and is enough to cause some to doubt the reality of their own memories. “Maybe I am making this up, otherwise why don’t THEY remember?” the survivor thinks. Or, “I love my parents/siblings/cousins and I don’t want to hurt them. What if they’re right?” When memories are first recovered, they often come in flashes that last a second or two, are vague, and may seem unreal to the person remembering. Add the messages from others that is loud and clear: It is NOT okay to remember, and the survivor may shut down.
Denial may also come from within. It is a basic protective mechanism when a person is confronted with pain; how often do we CONSCIOUSLY deny
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