How to Support a Survivor

One of the most frequent questions that people ask me is, "How can I help a survivor?" This question comes from spouses, from friends, from church members, and represents the desire of caring people to be a help. Often, behind this question is the unvoiced plea, "I don't want to do anything harmful by mistake."

There is not a formula, or set of actions, that are guaranteed to help. Each person is an individual, and his or her needs will vary. Also, I am NOT an expert in support. At the same time, I know that in my own healing journey, and in the healing journeys of others that I have talked to, certain things have stood out as being helpful, while others were not. This is meant to be an informal discussion of being supportive, and not meant as therapeutic advice.

Okay, so what is helpful for a person who is a survivor of ritual abuse, who is just beginning to remember, has remembered for several years, or who may be trying to leave a destructive cult group? Here are some thoughts.

1). Listen. The survivor who has been wounded and injured by a cult group has been told all of their lives to never talk of their abuse, to not tell. This is known as "the code of silence". Once the survivor begins remembering, though, there will be a need to share with a safe person. Ideally, this person will be their therapist, but they may also need a friend with whom they can share their feelings, their disbelief, their horror, their despair, and the joy at the small steps of healing and freedom that begin occurring. Above all else, a nonjudgmental person who will listen and BE THERE and not reject them means so much. But be aware that at the same time, disclosing may cause panic or cause programming. So, don't prod the person for information. Let them share at the rate that THEY are comfortable.

2) Believe them. Survivors of cult groups are told that no one will believe them if they disclose (and with good reason: much of our society today is in denial about this type of abuse!). They are told by leaders in the group that they will be labeled "crazy" and sent to a state hospital, or branded a liar. This, along with the threat of severe punishments if they do disclose, makes many survivors reluctant to remember and talk about their abuse. If a survivor does take this important step, it is important to validate them, even if what they disclose horrifies you or tests your own belief about human nature. The events seem horrific and the cruelty beyond human capability, but often, these first events disclosed are just the tip of the iceberg. Try to never tell the person that you don't believe them, if you don't, you can say, "I know that you believe this, and what I personally think doesn't matter", when asked if you believe them (they WILL ask, over and over, because of the programming mentioned above that no one could believe them. Each time you say "yes," you are helping them break the power of a vicious lie.

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