Trauma Bonding : The Pull to the Perpetrator
and siblings are also forced to traumatize and wound each other, reinforcing another basic cult message: the one who loves you will hurt you.
The survivor who escapes the cult will feel a powerful pull back because of a lifetime of these types of distorted messages. The safe therapist, or non-DID friend, is not hurting them, and this may create a huge dissonance in a person who up until this point had always been taught that "love" meant "pain". They may doubt the reality of the caring messages of those around them, or need to test their support system over and over. And highly wounded alters, who were bonded to believe that they owe their very life to the ones who have abused them most, may still try to recontact former perpetrators, not believing that life can be different yet.
Undoing a lifetime of this type of teaching and training takes time, patience, perseverance, and prayer. It will stretch the most caring support person as they wonder why the survivor recontacts their abuser. The survivor will feel that they have betrayed themselves, if they find they have recontacted perpetrators, unaware of the powerful pull that trauma bonding may still have on certain alters inside. But with caring support and continued therapy, the survivor will begin to test old beliefs. Personalities formerly loyal to the father, mother, or other trainers may decide to cut off contact, and will go increasingly long periods without being reaccessed. They may come out in therapy, angry and disgruntled, or asking when the therapist is going to "put down their façade" and begin hurting them (this is another form of testing). The person's whole world view may go through a 180 degree inside as they realize that love does NOT have to mean abuse, and the message reaches the deepest layers inside. Deep grieving over the abuse of trust, over the betrayals, over the intentionality of the trauma bonding and the set-ups will occur, as the person moves towards healing and away from the pull of their former abusers. The process takes time, often years, to occur, but the result, which is a life free from cult abuse, is well worth it.
Copyright 2000 svali
References: 1. Trauma : site at http://tor-pw1.attcanada.ca/~lrs/info/tr... excerpt from excellent book Trauma and Recovery (1997) by Judith Lewis Herman, MD
2. Attachment and Bonding Center of Oklahoma: site at http://www.abcok.org/attachment_disorder... Good discussion of attachment disorder and causes
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