On Having Need


anxious or sick. If they do have these feelings, they think they are bad and evil for having them. They experience tremendous guilt and shame.

In the present day, I find I don't understand what is happening with my emotions. I go to the Dr. and get so anxious when I have to tell him/her what is wrong that I get tongue-tied and confused. The Dr. gets impatient and frustrated because my explanations are so disjointed. He/she misunderstands.. I try again, but I still can't be clear. I am then judged incompetent and a hypochondriac. I am treated with lack of respect and in a mocking way. I don't understand why I can't talk to Drs. I feel stupid and ashamed for being so evasive and indirect.

This happens because I am not supposed to need. If I am sick, I am not supposed to need help. I am not supposed to tell anyone I don't feel good. I am not supposed to GET sick in the first place. This is ludicrous when considered logically. Everyone gets sick. But, the lessons are still so much a part of me, I think I am bad and evil for wanting medicine to feel better.

Let's say I go to a therapy session. I am going to therapy because I am trying to resolve the conflicts I sense inside. Even being there is a serious breach of "the rules." Again, I am admitting I have needs, and I am trying to talk to someone about them. Talking is akin to murder. It is a capital offense, and carries major consequences if broken. Therapy is all about talking! If I sit silent in front of my therapist then nothing is accomplished. If I speak to him I am buried in angry, shouting inner voices, pleading voices, scared voices. My body starts to hurt in various places. I cannot think again, and what I say comes out jumbled and incoherent. I get frustrated and panic-stricken. If my therapist shows even the slightest indication of impatience or perceived anger, everyone inside withdraws. All the others inside willing to watch and listen are so hyper alert they notice every movement, twitch and voice inflection the therapist has. This can seriously impede progress in therapy.

Many times I have left a session thinking the therapist has labeled me needy and draining. This is because if I ask him/her

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