Home » » Ritual Abuse » On Having Need

On Having Need

© Svali

This is a guest article by someone who has written expressively and eloquently on how the survivor of cult abuse feels. Her name is niid la'i and she speaks for many of us about the isolation and loss of identity, the need to protect oneself after a lifetime of betrayals. The desire to learn to trust and be open. She calls it:

On Having Need

by niid la'i

This is an essay on need. Need is frightening to me. I don't want to have need! The voices of programming inside start to shout at me when I acknowledge that I have needs. I am not supposed to have needs. I have always existed to serve others. I am supposed to be compliant, understanding, and forgiving, no matter what anyone does to me, or says to me. I am never supposed to express an opinion, or discontent or dissatisfaction.

As a child, I learned to have a "nothing face." This face was devoid of all expression. It was a face that hid a million feelings. Sometimes, even this expression was unacceptable. If it was misconstrued as sullen, then punishment descended on me anyway. I had to have at least a suggestion of a smile and contentment blended in with the nothing face. It was used when cult members were present and in the home with the mother and father.

I also have, what I call, "outside faces." Outside faces are more readable. They were created to present a pleasant, calm, and amiable appearance to all people. The outside faces went to school, and to relatives' homes, and to public places. As a small child people would comment on how quiet I was. As a teen-ager, and even now, many friends and acquaintances tell me I am so, "laid back!" What a joke! But it proves how well everyone inside has hidden behind the acceptable faces that afforded some safety.

One problem this has created is a numbing affect. In order for the outside faces and the nothing face to function, needs and feelings had to be literally forgotten. If alters, which I call, "others, " inside were too upset or anxious, there was a possibility of their emotions breaking through. Often in a cult gathering, members of the group would convince little others that if they had feelings inside, the members could tell. So, even if their facial expression was as it should be, the cult members would punish them for

The copyright of the article On Having Need in Ritual Abuse is owned by . Permission to republish On Having Need in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.