Frank, a male survivor of ritual abuse both in the U.S. and Canada, shares what being DID means to him: Being DID has made me feel distrustful of people at times. There was so much hurt to me, and that's why I dissociated, so my protectors don't trust a lot. It has made me hate God at times, too, since I wonder why I have to have this inside, why I have to deal with it. It isn't always easy, trust me.
One good thing: at work, I can work longer and harder than most people, because there are more of me! I work outside in the hot sun, so that helps. Also, I have lots of interests, more than you would expect, since so many inside people like different things. It's never boring, never, inside. I have always had a valley inside, since I was little, peopled with animals, dragons, and people that comforted me when I was going through the worst times.The animals inside still have trouble believeing that they are part of a human being; they protected me through so much that it was easier pretending that I was an animal than a person.
Abigail, a survivor of ritual abuse, discusses the effects of being DID in her life: We were preliminary diagnosed with DID in 1993 and then officially in 1995. Up until diagnosis, nothing made much sense. We would have what we called circle days where you start your day doing something and at the end of the day you're right back where you started. We suffered more from the lack of knowledge and understanding and were the target of much verbal abuse, loss of friends, lacked defenses against abuse to even recognize it, extremely low self esteem, couldn't account for time or things said or done or not done and suffered much verbal degredation and recrimination for 'mistakes'. What couldn't be explained was taken on as something that was our fault.
After the diagnosis, alot of this has remained the same except, now I recognize abuse and will fight to get to the position to stand up against it. When I've lost time, etc. internal communication helps me put the pieces together. We (me and my others) don't regularly work cooperatively together but we do more of that now and days go much smoother for the most part. Circle days are becoming rarer, especially as integration takes place. Self esteem is at a better level but not where it needs to be to be called healthy...but it's getting there.
