Survivors Speak Out: on Dissociation: Part One
doze and then awaken in terror with the programming of the cult going through my mind......the warnings of disaster and hell, etc. I would sometimes experience darkness surrounding my bed. I was terrified of the cult coming to kidnap me or to harm my daughter.
It was difficult for me to focus with all of this going on. I would have floating episodes and lose touch withwhat was happening around me. I had been programmed to never speak of the inner workings of the cult or any peculiarities with the leaders. To talk was quite a battle. Once I told someone, I would be up all night trying to work through the fear from breaking the silence which had been imposed upon me. I would often be in a state of full blown panic. I had also been programmed to "never leave my post"........so I tended to isolate.
It was a major battle to go anywhere. When I did go anywhere, I was fearful of running into a member of the cult. I was programmed to perform ritualistic "prayers" every hour. I no longer performed these rituals; but had to work through lots of guilt feelings and the fear of satan attacking me because I did not do as told. The doubts that maybe I had left the only group to lead the Church and the world into the new era would flood me. I could almost hear the voice of the leader telling me why the bizarre things that were done in the cult were valid. I had to work hard to function since my thoughts were scattered and confused. It took a long time before I could shed some of the props of this cult........like wearing a rosary with a crucifix around my neck. I feared that if I took them off that satan would attack.
Joanne, another survivor, describes her reaction to her recent diagnosis of DID: Just been diagnosed with it recently and still coming to terms with it, and having a lot of problems with it too, can't even admit to people who know and are aware (like psychiatrists) of what is going on. Nobody other than my therapist and psychiatrist know of my diagnosis, but will only talk about it with my therapist as I know she doesn't judge me in any way. My alters (and I hate that word too) have only just begun to make their presence before other people, usually
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