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Lets Go Shopping Takes On Male Addictions, Male Baldness, and The Football Virus

© Henry L. Lefevre

Is football a male-specific addiction designed to keep men from helping out of the kitchen? Is it like male baldness, dishwater allergies and couch-potato behavior? Some women think so. Others treat these macho anomalies like malignant cases of male-itus. A few accept it along with their man's other deviant behavior. The smart ones go shopping. They have to be careful, though. Shopping can also be an addiction.

This male attraction to football might be a curable virus according to unnamed sources at the Center For Disease Control. According to rumor, the Center has a crash program intended to keep this sickness from spreading. Similar sources claim that pharmaceutical companies are covertly working on antidotes for the football addiction. Is there an incentive? Sure thing. The most promising medicine will be added to beer. The first one to market this anecdote is sure to make billions.

Adaptable women, however, actually love the opportunities that sports weekends provide. A few say football season gives them a chance to show off their skills at preparing edible low-fat foods and appealing non-alcoholic beverages -- that no one consumes. Sports orgies also give them the opportunity to socialize with other women who are married to bozos suffering from that atrocious football-addiction.

Most of the football widows I know spend Sundays, huddle in corners where they can discuss world changing issues such as what happened on their soapies during the week. Extremists belonging to the "gentler" sex spend their time plotting peaceful insurrections designed to give the USA its first female president.

Another set of fervent women belong to support groups that were organized as part of a thirteen step program. They are dedicated to controlling the weight of their significant other. Most of these ladies want to stem their mate's weight before he overtaxes her favorite sofa.

How can these ladies cure their spouses of uncontrolled football addictions? That's a tough one. My recommendations are:

Sit side by side with their spouse. Wives who take seats in the back of the room can't tell when their hubby is leering at cheerleaders -- unless he's a drooler. If that positioning is not possible, they should make sure he doesn't sit in a blind spot where they can't notice his eyes popping out.

Insist that he leaves the gymnastics to the cheerleaders. In-house cartwheels and back flips tend to be hazardous to antique tables and middle-age backs. On the other hand, if his sick leave pays more than his normal wages, consider letting the guy suffer.

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