How?
My longevity secret came from the sage of Minnesota's dry, northern desert who said, "If you don't want to grow older, never get angry." Therefore, I conclude that the fountain of youth doesn't come as a liquid. It comes from the free-flowing attitudes that most people squander.
Therefore, I took the hint from my midwestern mentor and developed an anger management course. I'm restricting admission to octogenarians, unmarried women, and medical R&D gurus. After all, the more oldsters we have the greater power we will have at the polls. Then, the more senior power we have at the polls, the better the chance of my becoming the country's next president.
I included the medical savants since they have the backgrounds for implementing the breakthroughs I've planned. They might even brainstorm some life-stretching tools of their own.
As for that presidential position, I'm not sure I'll take it when offered. It is much too difficult for a president to maintain his or her cool. I might blow it unless they give me a house full of my clones to serve my country as members of Congress. In other words, I'll need complete cooperation. As an extra precaution, I'll insist that the legislators take and pass my phenomenal anger management course.
Why should I be the teacher? Because I never get mad. Even the kids don't get under my skin. When insulted by youngsters, I merely turn off my hearing aid and hobble away as fast as I can. They don't dare chase me because I still carry a cane.
In Ireland, they would call my cane a sheleighly. Although it might not have atomic power, it comes pretty close.
Did I ever tell you the story about how one misguided teen tried to hold me up when I was out for my daily ninety-yard crawl? I used my sheleighly as a baseball bat and warded off his bullets until he ran out of ammo.
Some claim that my survival was due to the luck of the Irish although my forefathers came from somewhere in France. However, I do carry a gold plated shamrock to help me over the rough spots.
Another tool I use for prolonging my life is to write science fiction. My objective is to help out the gurus in medical research. Statistically speaking, the probability of them reading one of my stories is ten to the power of minus twenty. Although I'm not sure what that means, those odds still look pretty good.
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