Humorous_Sage For President

Asking for help from a bureaucracy is like working your way through a 12-mile maze. The length is only part of the problem. Each bureaucrat gleefully creates at least two dozen barriers. Supervisors create 92.

What this country needs is a candidate capable of solving the government's poor customer relations. Therefore, I'm offering my name as a write-in candidate for President. If elected, I promise:

1. To eliminate the use of unintelligible menus on all government telephones. In addition, intelligible menus will be limited to 49 choices. Once callers to government offices have tried all 49, they will be allowed to talk to a knowledgeable human.

2. When customer service personnel feel compelled to cuss someone out, they will be required to turn down the volume so that innocent workers in neighboring buildings don't get scared out of their wits.

3. No customer service worker will be allowed to yell "drop dead," no matter how obnoxious the customer gets. Elderly people are accustomed to taking orders and some might comply. Then, the government is apt to be sued.

4. When government offices can't respond within five hours, the callers will be provided with laptop computers in order to surf the web while waiting. Some of the government's customers might even find an acceptable answer without resorting to human intervention, thereby reducing the government's customer-service workload.

5. As backup, I will ensure that the government provides shaving gear to men waiting in line for more than 48 hours. That way, they won't trip over their beards once their names get to the top of the list. Waiting women will get cosmetic kits.

6. I will fund the development of phone systems that turn on a siren after 36 rings.

7. I will eliminate all robots and hold buttons from the customer-service phone lines. Few robots have the right answers and hold buttons cut off customers 89-percent of the time

8. I will lead the government back to the good old days when top management sent their subordinates to "charm schools." Interns won't be allowed to escape until they learned how to treat their customers right. Projected plans for FY 2022 will call for sending all government managers to charm school as well.

9. As a man of the people, I will evaluate the impact of this latest customer awareness program on a day-by-day basis. I am also soliciting feedback on the above platform. If you have any worthy ideas, please send them to me via registered mail.

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