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How Many Gatekeepers Do Hospitals Need? (Humor)

© Henry L. Lefevre

Modern hospitals have more gate keepers than the vaults at Fort Knox. Their avowed mission seems to be preventing patients from getting prompt service. Perhaps it's part of a government program to furnish training in temper management for the masses, while providing satisfaction for none. For those who haven't made recent trips to a hospital, I'd like to document my latest experience. It might help prepare them for the world of medical chaos.

At gate #1, dedicated paper-pushers blended me in with heterogeneous slurry of people that included five heart-attack patients, six accident victims, and ten gunshot cases. I was there for a routine x-ray so they naturally moved me to the head of the line.

Gate #2 permitted me to enter a soundproof room so that I wouldn't be bothered by the ruckus caused when I went ahead of the others. You might call this the second holding tank.

At gate #3 I started my trip through the paper mill. After I waited two hours to get to the head of this line, they had me sign, countersign and certify the authenticity of my medical insurance, backup medical insurance, and the person responsible should the HMO renege on the payments. Then I had to show my driver's license, credit cards, and three other types of photo-identity verification. The last phase of paper shuffling included my next-of-kin forms, medical-records, releases, and a deed of trust on my house. I'm not sure what all of that had to do with my getting an x-ray.

Gate #4 gave me access to a more crowded holding tank. I waited there for more than three hours while they authenticated all of the data I had previously given. After all, any deadbeat can claim he is solvent, married with kids and free of HIV.

Gate #5 was manned by a skip tracer instead of a clerk or a nurse. Here, a six-foot-five bruiser demanded the keys to all of my computer database files. They didn't want me skipping town without paying my bills.

Gate #6 gave me access to x-ray.

The total time spent waiting in line and filling out forms was 7 hours, 35 minutes and 45-seconds. An extra 15 minutes was spent getting the x-ray.

Once offered my freedom, I scrambled out of the hospital like a squirrel on uppers. If I had lingered, I might have found one more gate. I lucked out. The only thing barring my exit was a sign saying: "The government thanks you for doing your part in supporting our medical efficiency and accountability program."

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