SANTA'S GOT PROBLEMS

7. Mrs. Santa complained that he didn't spend enough time shopping for her. His standard reply was "What gift can I get when you won't tell me just what you want?" That didn't cut it. Even Mrs. Santa expected her husband to be a mind reader.

8. Santa felt lost. The Mrs. complained when he gave her knickknacks because they required too much dusting. Candies made her put on weight and she prefered to choose her own clothes.

10. In 1903, he gave her a black nightie. That didn't work. She ended up accusing him of ulterior motives.

11. The worst hit of all came when "church versus state" zealots tried to purge him from history. They claimed that he was a stand-in for Jolly Saint Nick. They also claimed that Santa was upstaging Darth Vader.

Why did the Zealots pick on poor Santa? Some say they're skinflints and don't want to buy gifts. Others contend that receiving is much more gracious than giving. The majority, however, just liked to get their pictures shown on TV while picketing Santa. For their moment of fame, they paid a high price. They got coal in their stockings instead of nice gifts.

Yes, Santa has problems. I no longer opt for his job. This Christmas, I'll stay inside for the entire season and let Santa put up with the blizzards and cold.

(c) Henry L. Lefevre, 2003

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