DESSERT FIRST -- HAM and EGGS SECOND

The older I get, the more I believe that first things ought to come first. For example, I always eat my dessert before I start breakfast. If I'm still hungry after eating my pie a la mode at six in the morning, I settle down to the nutritious things like strawberry shortcake or brownies and cream.

Those who don't really know me might think that I'm the early bird of the family. That's at least partially true. I have my breakfast before anyone else. Otherwise, my wife might insist that I start out the day with oatmeal, pancakes, or filet minion. I know. Every time I sleep in, I find a thoroughly nutritious meal on the table before I can whip up my favorite goodies like root beer floats or jam-covered pop tarts.

Being quite timid, I eat what I'm fed for the rest of the day -- except for the candy bars that I hide in my den or the hard candy stashed in my jacket. I start snacking on them about an hour before meals just to make sure that I have enough energy to get to the table once my wife clangs the old dinner gong.

Some people who read this might think that I'm fat. That ain't the case. I'm so cotton pickin' thin that my wife keeps trying to put some meat on my bones. 'Taint no use though. I have a straight gut and every day food slips on through. The only things that stick to my ribs contain empty calories with plenty of sugar.

My folks used to say that it was tough to grow old. I've proved they were wrong. When I was young, I had to count every calorie that entered my body -- except when I played football or went out for gym team. During those seasons, I worked off my calories and sweat off the fluids. Besides, by the time I came home to dinner, I was too tired to eat.

I've been told that Nirvana won't last -- that I'm sure to pay for my gluttony and become as fat as a sow as soon as my metabolism wakes up. Could be. However, I do take precautions like making sure we have no alarm clocks anywhere near the fridge. I also weigh myself four times per day to make sure that I'm not about to start gaining more weight than I need. Whenever I pick up five pounds or so, I quit making malts out of cream and forgo the desserts that I love to consume before breakfast or at three in the morning.