What is a shame attack? For me, it is just an incredible ill feeling in my stomach that I have done the most horrible thing any human being could ever do.
If I bump into someone, then I turn it into a drama session. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do anything," I say. Then the internal critic gets worse: "You are just a big jerk for bumping into that person. It is just like when you take a person's place in line with your car or at the grocery store. You are so inconsiderate." And on and on and on it goes ... until the shame just gets unbearable.
What happens then? It usually leads to some type of "acting out" on my part ... whatever my addictive-compulsive ways wish to go.
OK ... having talked about shame attacks here, I do believe I am better today than when I first started in recovery. More and more, I have learned that these responses -- in my case -- were kind of "built-in" responses that I either learned or picked up from family-of-origin members.
No, I am not laying all the blame on family and friends for my shame attacks. Shame is a horrible feeling ... and that's just it! Shame is a feeling, not a fact.
Shame is a feeling, not a fact. (Yeah I just repeated myself, yet I am doing it as much for me as for you.) Feelings need to be recognized, and so does shame.
That shame plays such an important role in any person's life is a shame in and of itself. Why does shame turn into such a cancerous beast?
Because it happens to be part of the addiction cycle as so eloquently described by addiction specialist Dr. Patrick Carnes. Shame and guilt help keep the cycle going, perpetrating future behaviors that are not healthy or conducive to happy living.
Fear, shame and guilt are horrible feelings to suffer from each day. In recovery, you and I try to get over these feelings -- face them and overcome them one day at a time.
I'm not perfectly overcoming shame attacks these days, yet I am better.
My hope and prayer is that spending a little time writing and sharing my thoughts about shame and shame attacks will help you take it easy on yourself.
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