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Trusting Me to Tell

© Amy B. Jeanroy

My father is in the hospital right now. It is a first for me and I am processing the entire situation in pieces, while working around the move, setting up the store, homeschooling and simply parenting. When I got *the call* and I started crying, I didn't run and hide as I wanted to; after all, I had two cowboy costumes to create and two little trick or treaters who were so excited they couldn't keep from asking me if it was time to go every 5 minutes..

I never sat down and said anything to the boys about my dad. I didnt hide my tears or whisper my words to the callers, but I didn't sit down and say anything to either of the kids because there wasnt anything concrete to share with them.

This morning, after a long night for me and a chocolate filled one for them, I sat down with Nathanial and tried to explain the situation to him.

"Nathanial, you grampa is in the hospital. That is why I was crying yesterday. "

"I know, I heard you talking about it." he says to me "What is the matter with him?"

"Well, they aren't sure but they think his heart is not working right." I don't know what else to say, after all he is 5 and has been recently feeling out my mortality, ie, how old are you mom? When are you going to die? That kind of thing...

"He could die from that." Nathanial says in all seriousness

"Yes, he could." I am trying not to cry and also trying not to talk too much. I don't think it's helpful to overload kids with lots of information.

I asked N if he noticed me crying yesterday and he said he had seen it. I told him that if I seemed upset that he could still talk to me about it and approach me at any time. He responded that he knew that if grampa died that I would tell him and until then, he wouldn't worry.

I wonder if things will always be so cut and dried to him. Talking to your child about your parent's death is an almost surreal experience. I still feel like a child and see my father in that capacity...My sons are very grounding for me. My strength comes from their faith that I will do the right thing and that I will take care of things for them. Their job is to be kids and I can handle the rest...