Squirrel Madness
Squirrel strategist Bill Adler, Jr., welcomes visitors to his Outwitting Squirrels web site with these encouraging words: "Squirrels are the scourge of birdfeeders and gardens. If we can't outwit squirrels, which have brains the size of peanuts, how can we expect to get an astronaut to Mars? . . . . Are we going to stand there and let squirrels run our lives? The answer must be no."
Bold words. And Adler's inventive volume, Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriate of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels, is a valiant attempt to deal with the squirrel problem. Unfortunately, for every 101 cunning stratagems the anti-squirrel forces come up with, squirrels will counter with 102. Adler, like millions of bird watchers, was a victim of squirrel obsession. In his book and on his web site he shares with other victims how he reached his squirrel-resisting epiphany.
Finding his very first window birdfeeder visited by defiant squirrels who not only gorged on the bird seed but insolently lounged inside the feeder, Adler was determined to get rid of them. He tried all the usual anti-squirrel tactics - liquid Teflon, red pepper spray, camera flashes, baffles, screaming and banging on the window - but the squirrels were not thwarted. On the brink of madness, he finally realized he had to start thinking like the squirrels. After all, they had nothing to do all day but figure out how to break into feeders. It was their single goal in life. The only thing to do was to "get down on all fours and crawl around [the] yard, looking at feeders from the squirrel's point-of-view." You may look like a fool, but this is war.
Naturally, the combat-weary squirrel warriors who visit Adler's squirrel page have lots of "war stories" to share. Many are too violent and inhumane to share in this G-rated column. But you don't need to read about many human-squirrel skirmishes to realize the squirrels are winning. "Sarah" describes a horrifying incident from her childhood when she was menaced by an M&M-crazed squirrel who chased her down the street and onto her school bus to snatch her bag of the coveted candies.
Others talk about watching helplessly as the thieving rodents sit inside their "squirrel-proof" feeders and pig out on expensive birdseed. "Denisse" finally gave up on filling her feeder only to catch her furry nemesis hanging upside and drinking her hummingbird nectar! "Sara" hadn't even unpacked in her new home before delinquent squirrels gnawed through the string holding up a virtually empty cedar birdfeeder, smashing it into pieces so they could dig out a few crumbs from the crevices. Hours later, the vandals had lifted a squirrel-proof finch feeder off its hook and dropped it to the ground, leaving behind only a telltale trail of seed across the patio from the empty feeder.
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