That single sentence embodies the recipe for intimacy that Dr. Harriet Lerner puts forth in her book, The Dance of Intimacy. According to Lerner, intimacy is a four-part process based on a solid definition of self.
Self has become a buzzword in psychotherapy over the years and has been used as a flag to champion a number of sins in the name of Selfhood. In light of the elasticity the word 'self' has acquired, Lerner puts forth her own valid and thought-provoking definition.
According to Lerner, "'being a self' means ... we do not participate in relationships at the expense of the 'I' (as women are encouraged to do) and we do not bolster the 'I' at the expense of the other (as men are encouraged to do)."
Lerner also recognizes that, for the most part, men do not have as much problem maintaining a separate self or defining boundaries for that self. And so, Lerner's discussion of self and intimacy is geared toward women, even though there's much to be learned about intimacy and selfhood for both genders.
Once Lerner defines her concept of self, she explains that anxiety often has the largest impact on intimacy in relationships. She discusses several ways in which people name their "problems" with intimacy. Without realizing it, most men and women fall into one of three reactive habits: child-focus, marital fighting and/or distance, and a symptomatic spouse.
In child-focus, a couple often over focuses on their child, seeing the child as the problem, rather than looking at the larger issues that may be effecting their relationship. In marital fighting and/or distancing, the marriage is considered the problem. When it's a symptomatic spouse, the spouse is blamed as the problem.
Lerner spends the rest of the book offering clear and concise case histories to explain how defining a more solid sense of self, developing tolerance for differences and finding a broader perspective can help to alleviate much of the anxiety in a relationship. Too, she theorizes that anxiety in a relationship often stems from issues with our first, or primary, family. And if these issues are not confronted, the anxiety from these unresolved issues will be acted out in our current relationships. Her case histories often prove this theory.
Overall, the theories on intimacy presented by Lerner are interesting and far-reaching. She explains each theory completely, often unraveling more of her theory as the book proceeds. Though she does not suggest her book be used as a list of 'how-tos,' she does stress understanding the theories she puts forth. Her case studies and explanations make these theories unusually accessible and provide concrete examples of how to enact change in our relationships in a way that respects both our sense of self and the self of others.
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