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Good parenting means giving kids what they need

© Dawn Williams

I was 22 when my first daughter was born. Nothing but a few books, a big heart, and a lot of instinct got me through those early days. My family was quick to point out my mistakes, though, and offer their advice on how not to spoil my infant. These ideas included letting her 'cry it out' when she cried at night instead of responding to her right away; putting her on a strict feeding schedule; and using a 'spare the rod' approach where discipline was concerned.

None of this really fit with my vision of what a good parent should be. When Stephanie cried in the night, I comforted her immediately, changing her diaper or feeding her or offering a bit of cuddling until she relaxed enough to sleep again. I fed her when she was hungry, not when the clock said it was time to nurse. And discipline, when she was old enough to demonstrate behavior that required it, was not a punitive matter, but a simple continuation of what I'd been doing all along --teaching, guiding and redirecting when necessary. It was a parenting style that felt right to me, and although I wasn't prepared to cite research to back up my convictions, I stuck by them nonetheless.

It would be 10 years before I learned there was a name for this style of raising kids. It's called attachment parenting, a term coined by Dr. William Sears, pediatrician and author of 26 books on parenting and child care. Sears advocates a highly responsive, child-centered approach to raising children. True, it demands a great deal more from the parent, but it allows children to grow into confident, well-adjusted adults.

The methods advocated by the attachment parenting philosophy are intended to allow a strong emotional bond to develop between parent and child. Through a high level of responsiveness, parents teach the child that his emotional needs will be met. In this way, he develops a fundamental trust, which is the basis for healthy relationships throughout life.

This method of parenting focuses entirely on what the child needs. He is fed when he is hungry, held often, given plenty of positive attention. When the child expresses interests, the parent encourages him to explore them. When the child acts out, the parent understands it might be a sign that he is tired, over-stimulated, or simply needs attention. Discipline is seen as guiding and teaching by example and through discussion in a very positive, respectful manner. In these ways, the child comes to know he can depend on the parent to meet his needs.

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