TTC Diary Notes - Out of Control in the 2 Week Wait
Today I feel as if I am teetering on a dream, and tottering with disappointment. I am 12 days past ovulation and after another negative hpt, I am wondering if there is still a chance I may be pregnant. I already crashed yesterday when I caved and took the first test. A spontaneous and mighty decision, I broke all the rules and tested without holding my urine. As a matter of fact, I had just peed only ten minutes before. Neither of the tests were a good choice for reliablity. Yet, they were available to feed my desire for instant gratification and the need to know. Perhaps just having the tests around the house is too much of a temptation during those weak moments.
The first test, was a New but not improved Confirm. I had put a lot of faith in the old Confirm, when I tested positive with it during our first month trying. The new Confirm had rumored problematic and I caught wind of it before I bought the 2 pack for myself. My own first experience with it proved it to be difficult to read. After that I cleaned the shelves of the old tests and avoiding using the second new Confirm test. Yesterday, it finally served its purpose and fed my overwhelming desire with disappointment, and despair, like water over a fire. I thought I would drown in anguish, but left behind in the empty space of a test window was the faint trace of nothing. If I were to be pregnant, there should be a faint line, instead there seemed to be a clear space that revealed the absence of a line, a negative image. I was confused. It was a line, but it was a line of nothingness. Did the test verify pregnancy or simply symbol NO pregnancy, in a very LOUD way....it was difficult to tell the difference. I reached for the second hpt test...a different brand, and also a test that had been pushed aside month after month, in favour of something better.
I decided that I would use the second and last test that I had in the house. It was an Equate test that my sister-in-law had given me. As soon as I realized that the test she was giving me was an Equate test, I failed to believe in its ability to predict a pregnancy for me. I had read that it was unreliable and not very sensitive and that it had an evaporation line that could easily be misread as a Positive if the test were to be read beyond the allotted timeframe suggested on the packaging. I took the gift from her figuring that maybe I could use the test as a second verification of a pregnancy previously determined by a more sensitive test. I never intended to use it like this, but I never intended to feel so desperate to know. This feeling catches me off guard, and I feel powerless to stop it.
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