My Own Journey into Motherhood - 2


Love has an incredible power to melt away fear, and in no time babies started speaking to me again. I noticed their sweet faces everywhere, and I was soon falling in love with the idea of being a mother again. 2 weeks after we were married, I underwent tubal ligation reversal surgery, a three hour procedure that would hopefully repair my fallopian tubes and make me fertile again.

Still pumped on the realization of our own miracle of Love, we expected nothing less than instant results. In our first month of trying to conceive, I became pregnant, and we were thrilled and on top of the world. A week later I miscarried and our joy sunk to the depths of sorrow. The intensity of emotion felt with our disappointment seemed to reach down into the depths of my soul and in doing so a whole host of fears started to rise to the surface of my consciousness. I was afraid of childbirth, I was afraid that my 38 year old body would not be able to cope with the strains of pregnancy, labour and delivery. I was afraid that my age might also affect my being able to get pregnant and sustain a healthy pregnancy. I was afraid that beautiful and adoring husband might never have a child of his own. Falling in love with him had given me a glimpse of life without fear, and I was arrogant enough to believe that I was rid of it entirely. Because of these fears, I subconsciously disconnected my contract with the soul that had entered my womb. I was not yet ready.

I spent a great deal of time in meditation for the days that followed the miscarriage, and I realized during that time, that years of attachment to fear had established itself as behavior patterns and habitual patterns of thought. It would take much more conscious effort to heal and resolve conclusions that were made when I was just a young woman. I had conditioned myself towards a particular path of infertility, and it was going to take a lot more than a little surgery to alter my path.

I needed to have a close look at everything that I experienced during pregnancy and childbirth, from a new-found perspective. I needed to empower myself with knowledge of all the things I experienced in pregnancy and childbirth, and above all, I needed to surround myself

The copyright of the article My Own Journey into Motherhood - 2 in Pregnancy with a Doula is owned by Janice Dye Szucs. Permission to republish My Own Journey into Motherhood - 2 in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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